The nice thing about a conscious heart is that it does not hide.

In this day and age I affirm it’s simply not “cool” to be hurt, embarassed, wrong, in need, and many

other feelings we silly humans tend to just feel once too many times in this thing called life.

No we’re not silly. Forgive my sarcasm, plastic faces and plastic hearts carries no charm to me.

And I see them all the time, at bars, on tv, in L.A., people who show none of the feelings that would

categorize them by other cool people as, un-cool. How detrimentally sad that is.

We live and we learn you know, but if you don’t really live what does that make you? Cool and dumb?

To fully live is to at times feel like you’re gonna die because of what someone did or said to you. Yeah

that’s dramatic, and so is life.

Life bleeds and screams, leaks at the eyes, smiles at the mouth.

LIFE IS DRAMATIC- SO IS LIFE.

You see many when faced with any kind of adversity default to the apathetic saying

“That’s life!”… engaging in such philosophy is dangerous, buying the expensive ticket to an impaired

life, refusing to acnowledge the deep pain within you that says “It’s unjust” and saying instead

“That’s life” may look poised at the surface but you alone can still hear your soul screaming

in agony inside. Not worth it. I see it all the time, people drink themselves to death over that, people

shop themselves to bankruptcy over that, people eat to hundreds of pounds over their normal weight

over that, people raise children without knowing them at all over that, people divorce their once love

over that,

people, who will not stop being people, will do whatever they can in the attempt to shut their

human hearts, to trade full living for an impaired life to keep it cool on the outside.

Be un-cool. Feel.

      I watched her toil with her gadget, a wooden stick thing with hooks made of metal that helps her undo the velcro straps on her shoes. Being the oldest of 27 cousins and of 4 brothers I jumped in to help, well also the reason I was even there was to help. But she looked up at me and with the sweetest German/French accent in the most confident intonation she said “No thank you, let me do it. If I don’t ever try ’til I get it, I won’t gain any of my independence back.”    I slowly took a step back nodded my head and said “I respect your philosophy ma’am, go ahead.”  So in order not to let mild agony set in as she kept on struggling to finish what she started my mind drift off to one of my mom’s many wise statements she’s made in one of our many conversations: “simply said Stephanie, those who quit are those who don’t win.”

BAM.

        A simple mind [in life's matters] may read that and think that’s an idiotic statement, but for those who’ve been fully present as they went through some ”thangs” they know that one you’re in the middle of it (it may be whatever) takes a lot not to quit. It takes a lot not to embrace what’s been and settle for it, manage it, just- deal with it.
My patient’s attitude opened  my mind to belive a person wins not necessarily when she crosses the finish line, obtains the thing/the one wanted, and not even after she sees the manifestation of a healing believed for or “fill in the blank”. No. I think a person wins the moment she makes up her mind not to quit.     

Alright?
Alright. Does that mean no instants of discouragement, fear, doubt? NO, that’d be unrealistic, unhuman. RESILIENCE!
Resilience yes, stemming from a conviction of self-worth, great enough to being able to have, become, see, experience, etc what one so desires. Listen this is no ‘Tinker Bell’ happy thinking, to me is real. But it takes Batman’s badass attitude when it gets tough and you want to quit.
      Maybe victory is conquering self-hatred and landing in self-love, buying a property, forgiving a wrongdoer, paying a debt in full, renewing your mind, taking a risk in love, or maybe victory just looks like undoing your shoes by yourself. Whatever it is, don’t quit. 

      Wilma Rudolph popped in my head but my attention was quickly brought back to my patient by the sound of velcro when it’s pulled up.  
She smiled big and so did I.

“I’m over that.”

“I’m over that too Steph”

To polish and wear this mask -if at all or- all the time is exhausting, and plain unnecessary.

You simply can’t give what you don’t have. I think we at times put the mask on for ourselves first, in fear of not being able to handle whatever it is we’re faced with (no pun intended). We are addicted to treating symptoms other than dealing with the root of the issue then become addicted to what we choose to use to front with.

I think genuine living lies on believing one possesses intrinsic worth, and in the knowing  no journey isn’t coupled with struggles, no character isn’t scarred with flaws, no path becomes straight without a learning curve, no good story isn’t faced with a tragedy or major injustice. Yet no person’s worth lies in those things, THAT’S where you can love on yourself as opposed to self-condemn, THAT’S when the mask can come off, when you can be with yourself as you are… and when you can be with yourself as you are, you can be with others as they are.

It’s a beautiful thing. Try it.

Pick up a mirror once in a while and ask yourself

‘How are you really?’

by stephanie santos

I wanted to post today, I missed wordpress and I’m sure what I’m about to share many, many, many can relate as we all have hearts as we all are relational beings and as we’re all not well alone.

~Got to Thinking on that Heart Again~

I wanna entertain that the majority of us know what we want in a man or in a woman. I’m a woman who knows what I want in a man I mean, I state that not to draw oohs and aahs, no, I think at times it’s effortless, you get around certain men/women and they do something to you. Yet many settle.

Why’s that?

Loneliness.

Yes, loneliness is poop on a stick.

Fear.

Fear that there isn’t someone out there the way we hope to find.

Lust.

Lust of the eyes that takes you to all the wrong arms, wrong lips, wrong beds, keeping you unavailable for the kind of person you actually want to be with.

That’s sad and harsh, and while yes those reasons are all realistic they’re no good reasons to make decisions out of them. No condemnation or shame I just want to shine attention here:

Why settle for someone you don’t genuinely want to be with?

And look I get it. I get it so much, that many have maybe met the one that we so want to be with and that person is not reciprocating, maybe they’re in a relationship (if they’re married I’d say change your mind), or maybe they don’t even know you exist (shout out to Amos Lee). I get that. Maybe that person in particular is not for you though they have qualities you seek in a person, maybe it’s a timing thing. I don’t know what each situation is I’m just touching on one’s decision to be with someone they’re not crazy about; period.

STOP.

I say that not only for your own sake but because that means you’re keeping that person unavailable to be with someone that’ll genuinely want to be with them.

I’m no know it all but I’d say most do not want to be with someone who’s always ‘lovey dovey’, always kissing their feet. Things stay hot and fresh when you’re with someone who both likes all of you and calls you on your ‘bull’, makes you better whether you like it or not. It’s sweet.

I think that by letting someone know they’re not for you is not devaluing a person. To the contrary, I think it validates them that they’re worth being both cherished and challenged  in relationship, just as much as you want for yourself.

I’ll unzip the jacket of my heart and let you see inside as I tell you that

the lust in me wishes I could mack on fellas and call it good;

the loner in me wishes I could cloud my desires and be with anyone just for companionship;

but I just can’t, the lover in me speaks louder than all other parts of me;

the lover in me says trust, and wait for your match.

-Stephanie Santos

Amos Lee – Baby I want you

I cleaned up my porch: emptied the ash tray, watered the small flower bed, dusted the seats around the (now clear) glass top table, and readjusted the “FREE TIBET” flags that hang.

Now where are you?

You

have no name no specific form, not yet at least.

You’re the one I wish to enjoy this porch with.

You’re the man I wanna make sweet tea for

take a seat across from

and rest my feet on your lap as we each read books

or each other.

You

are not here though I thought every girl was entitled to a ‘summer love’

but okay, maybe you’ll come soon

and then stay- for many seasons.   

words and porch by stephanie santos

 “In this life there are peasants and princes” she’s remarked many a times. This is a prince on the other end of the line, and as she listens she grins.

They’re friends, and he views her as one able to give him straight answers, no “beating around the bush” conclusions, he feels like he can trust these valuable questions that have to do with a certain valuable woman in his life. He says this woman makes him respect her just by being her that she brings out the gentleman in him, that she makes him better. “That she makes him better”…. pause// that.she.makes.him.better. Golden statement. When you meet one who has that effect on you, pause, you just found a treasure just like this man in this Real tale of a Prince-Like Gent. Okay, now back to the story.

 Needless to say he’s interested, wants to be clear but not push the girl away with his intent. What he shares and asks has to do with gathering up ideas on how to go about letting this woman know that he wants to continue to spend time with her but also get to know her better and be better known by her, just her. He goes on to share more and that ultimately he just doesn’t want to lead her on blindly but knowingly of his intentions. To that the friend exclaims: “You are SUCH a prince! Good on you for reaching out to get answers, for respecting yourself enough to do something bold about what you feel and who you want! You are such a MAN.” Then she tells him what perhaps he was not expecting… “You already have the answer inside, what you just said to me are the ideal words to tell this woman, perhaps all you needed was to say them aloud as to let yourself hear them.” 

 “Wow thank you, I wanted to run this by someone I respect as a woman, who’s got a good strong head on her shoulders. I know you’ve been lonely friend, but don’t get discouraged, you’re different than a lot of girls you’re set apart and it’s gonna take a great man to fill those shoes.” By this point his friend is kneeling on her carpet at complete ease. It was as if those words flowed out of the phone down the side of her head like a gentle waterfall of skittles.

Fairy tales aren’t true, but then again there are many more like these two out there in this big kingdom called Earth. This is but one real tale of a Prince-Like Gent and his friend.

Three years went by. We weren’t “attached-to-the-hip”, we weren’t twin-like friends, but one thing we had: RESPECT.

With respect we learned to adapt to other’s peculiarities, each other’s strong personalities. You with type A psych, me with an artistic mind. Oh I remember the first month where we danced for a bit to find our flow, but we did. Quite quickly. > Respect. Mutual respect helped make this thing work as we grew as women, living&learning

growing, in our eclectic love for fashion &design, business&education, foods&drinks…                     growing, in our unending love for life’s destiny & the freedom to be the box-less women we were dreamed by LOVE itself to be                                                                                                                                       growing, as women who loves men to the full, their minds ways needs wants and big circles.

I will miss your presence for it was never excessive, Iw ill miss your laughter in all its volume and joy, I will miss seeing you head out the door before me for work in all your style & glory as I sometimes thought: “There goes a winner, a leader, a world changer, a Queen.” I will miss out many inside jokes the ones that took one look and resulted in loud laughter. All in all I’ll say this, I’m humbled yet empowered to know my life got mushed with yours for these past three years, because I know people attract people that are within an alike grid of mentality and potential.

You’ve inspired me, just by…. being

{smile}

Cheers*

I’ll say this

I thought sooner or later we’d get around each other’s walls.

Noticed how so alike we are down to mannerisms, and got hella intrigued by the different perspectives we entertain.

I know the resolve to my surprise is probably as simple and as fine as:

you were not interested

I know also the resolve could possibly be as ironic as:

by the way I acted you thought I was the one not interested. [pinch of humor is fitting here]

Nothing is far from the truth. But I know me. I know how I get when I’m actually interested.

I watch.

I become observant and more quiet, well I thought you were fun to watch, and

my personal culture makes me accustomed to be pursued before I open up more. Perhaps your personal culture accustomed you to women who’ll promptly give their own best in a blink of an eye. [grunt]

Alright. That’s that.

by Stephanie Santos

just read it.

Going right into it. I don’t mean to be merciless on non-committal women and I certainly don’t mean to make men who’ve been in this position pissed off at me. I do mean though, to talk about it, after all epidemics (of ANY sort) never got extinguished except by exposing it and confronting it face to face.

An epidemic it is.  Today I learned about one of the many stories where a woman said she was non-committal and due to wounds and fears left a really amazing man. She said he was many great things, she said he was a catch.  At first I get angry at her then I stop, reflect and respect the fact she admits that that’s her issue.

Then my mind can’t help but to ask the question:

What happens to those men? Are they all still a catch?

Those once nice, courteous, fun loving, trustworthy, ready-to-put-a-ring-on-a-woman’s-finger men, have they become the type of men who are now

closed off, apathetic, cynical, lacking zest to pursue a woman,life, and truth?  Are they now, perhaps, the ones who might misinterpret a woman of solid intentions,  as a woman of  stern posture and assume that she’ll definitely leave him at some point so, why bother?  Are they, perhaps the men who once desired to wait for a beautiful bride at the front of a church but who now contents themselves with casual hook ups? Are they now lonely men who once wished they were passing on a legacy of their names under their own roofs?

I want to scream. This seriously makes me angry.

Why does it have to be like that? This is so unfair. FUCk.!

Of course I understand that a woman that’s been wounded, probably from not having a father or having an abusive one or whatever other tragic/unfair/circumstance that occurred in her lifetime, will be a woman who’ll possess a certain level of aversion toward men.

Think about this though,  this is kind of self-sabotaging-kinda-shit. This story repeats itself everywhere around this blue ball we live in: girl who doesn’t want to commit tangles guy who does. Girl chooses not to  risk being left and leaves guy. Guy gets tremendously hurt and rejected so he hardens his heart making the promise to never position himself to feel that way Ever again. Then here comes along new girl who wants to commit. Wounded guy is shut off and carries on a life without the risk of being hurt like he was before. Girl hopes, guy remains as is, Girl gives in to her loneliness and settles, Guy takes whatever she’ll give never letting his heart get involved, Guy-Girl put on a front of contentment when inside Guy-Girl are still wanting more. Maybe they stay together for awhile, maybe they brake up only to move on to the next exact scenario with different persons. UNLESS…

Oh thank HEAVENS for the ability to choose. Unless one takes the stand to call  it (the shame, the hurt, the fears, the loneliness, the bullshit) what it is, not settle, forgive the ones who did them wrong (whoever that may be- father, ex, etc) and give love another try with someone who wants the same thing as they still do in their heart of hearts.

For real, we all come into a relationship with baggage, some have Uhauls worth others have travel-size kit ones as Lauryn Hill eloquently once put it, but yea we all have them. I have it too.

By unpacking my travel size kit, I discovered all kinds of goodies gone bad. I became self aware of my fear of rejection brought on by what I call ‘daddy wounds’. Forgiveness was key to what I’m tasting more and more of: freedom -to love and be loved as I am.  Now that I know the areas I need to take risks on I am responsible for my own heart and conscious as I tread these tricky waters of relationship.

Alright said ALLLLLL that to say this: (because I’m a die hard romantic…. til death)

Beautiful Women, healing is available, go seek it.

Beautiful Men, ah beautiful men

say goodbye to past hurts and past women in your heart, cry it out and move on. Please!

Trust, there are women who are ready for you

to love on you and be loved by you!

strong women.

the misconceptions are grotesque.  It’s true that many women are in pitiful, restless competitions with men and that by embarking on that attitude they defeminize themselves and emasculate the men in their lives, but such is not so about me and a few others I know well.

My heart is raw this morning as I’ve been tired from the inside out. I need peace and rest of mind & body. The fact that I’ve been on the go,  has much to do with the kind of woman life sculpted me to become

A strong one. . .

truth about us strong ones, is we don’t care about our strength, we don’t know any different.  We-  want to be weak. (I can hear the National and International FEMINIST Chorale gasp in unison.!)

YES! We want to be weak.

Though we can hold own our own forts, pay our own bills, acquire possessions, work stressful jobs, climb corporate ladders, obtain multiple degrees, we want to be weak.

Not in a sense of being less but by finding a safe haven where we can find unconditional acceptance as so to undress

Undress the heavy mantle thrown on our shoulders  by a central lie that says:  no matter what or how much we do, we are not enough, no matter how many qualities and attributes we pursue, we’re yet not quite lovely.

You see, soul affirmations like those were to be granted by the first man in a girl’s life: her father.

Many didn’t have one. Many had a strong mother who fought to raise a real woman not a false object.

So, we women, were taught to provide for ourselves

but we look forward to sharing the financial load with another.

We were taught to be nice not easy, clear with our intentions not a tease, and though we can take charge and initiate (as we already do in many different arenas of our lives)

we want the man we’re interested in to pursue us.

We were taught to go after our dreams and damn the haters that got in our way

but we still need affirmation and support from loved ones.

We were taught to not let our emotions dominate our lives

but we still need to shed tears from time to time  as they are gifts we give to what matters to us.

We’re still women. We want to feel dainty ( and again, feminists, right now, I don’t give a fuck what you think contrary to this)

we still want to be wanted, desired. We’re strong, but not exempt from

having a HEART.

I KNOW many women deal with this, but few admit it. I understand, it’s scary.  For me though at this point in my life self awareness is the biggest gift I’m still unwrapping  and though I know much I am still figuring this thing called life. I’m a beautiful mess and Healing is a reality. SPEAKYOHEARTUP.!